fwriction

After I posted an article listing the greatest twenty-five openings in literature, Canadian Jay became outraged; I woke in the night to find him standing over my bed, staring down at me, for almost an hour. How dare you, he said, leave out the opening to my novel. I trembled in fear as he manically thumbed through his manuscript, placing a page on me like a blanket. He stroked my hair and laughed, softly. Suck this shit, he said. There is only one greatest opening.

Thus, I present to you the opening of Canadian Jay’s epic novel.

***

Jaws: In Space!

The crowd stared at me. On the ground, a man in his early thirties. The blood smeared across his tweed jacket. His eyes, once present, rolled pathetically on the floor as I flooded his sockets with piss. A child turned to his mother and cried over the horrific sight that would haunt his days for the rest of his life. A red geyser sprayed from where I had taken a Draculean bite, after dragging him through the streets screaming, “Here is the time for you to be judged! The flowers will soon be in full bloom!” I pulled out his wallet, combed through for cash. Only eight dollars. An unused condom (small). Of course. I couldn’t buy a goddamn break. I didn’t feel bad anymore about having set his legs ablaze, after slicing his Achilles, like a puma, with his MetroCard. I vomited on him. A breeze washed over my body. It was refreshing.

I didn’t know why the crowd was so appalled with me. You can totally strike out on a foul tip.