fwriction

1) The Ass

“I loathe you. Knowing you are alive nullifies everything I’ve ever done in my life. It sucks the joy from everything I’ve accomplished, and everything I want to do in the future. I have no interest in life anymore. As long as you live, my head is filled with total sadness. I weep, alone, in my bedroom. I was once a man. A proud man. People respected me, and I was honored in my community. I spend most days walking around the city, naked and drunk on Chateau Diane. I piss my pants and try to strike the nearby children who laugh at me. I once tried to steal a baby, hoping to steal its life force so that I can escape what you have done to me. I was young once. Now? I chase the darkness, hoping it will envelop me in its warm, deathly embrace. I no longer wish to be.” -Larry Bird

At this point, your hero Larry Bird hangs himself in front of you. Also, it’s your birthday.

2) George Clooney

I will set you on fire and laugh. Like, a lot.

3) Hipsters

It is July. You will walk into a bar and complain that you feel dirty in it. I’ll see you from across the room, your wool cap acting as a giant “douche” beacon. I’ll walk to the jukebox, deposit my money, and put on Nickelback. I will approach you as you talk to your idiot friend about the world’s problems, all while not donating any money or time to those causes. Look at you. Why don’t you do something with your life? You contribute nothing to society. I see you are wearing a scarf. It looks a little loose. Slowly, I wrap my hands around both ends, then begin to tighten. You struggle, but your years of not eating cows and chickens have left you weak. And your years of not loving Die Hard and Stallone have left your escaping-skills lacking. You are drifting in and out of consciousness while dropping to the floor. Slowly, my sweet, it is almost over. I kneel over you in your last moments. You look up and see me, a moment passes, and you hope I will reconsider. And then, and only then, do I put the grenade in your mouth and pull the pin and steal your wallet.

All that remains of you is the $10-looking pants you paid $200 for. I take that as my trophy. I take your fancy pants.

4) Books

I will burn every book in the world except for one last copy of the ten greatest books in history. I will then find the biggest fan of each book and allow them to read them out loud to the public. After each page, I will take it and rip it up in front of everyone and feed the shreds to my pet hybrid lion-tyrannosaurus rex-tank. I will then bed many ladies, because that’s what winners do.

5) District 9

I will break you out of a local video store, and together we will flee from armed mercenaries with pinpoint accuracy. We are left with just one gun, that only you know how to use; however I am holding it. Therefore, I have no idea what I’m doing with it, and this will go unnoticed.

Soon we will come upon a way out, but we’ve been surrounded. Unsure of what to do, we will talk about love and life. We will be able to do this because the mercenaries will be unable to hit the standing target we have become. This will continue for like, I don’t know, three minutes. It will make no sense and will be stupid. At that time, I’ll point out to you that maybe I should have given you the gun only you know how to use when we first broke out, ‘cause you probably could have wiped out all the mercenaries right away, and we could have made a clean getaway, maybe even stopped for some ice cream. But, whatever. They somehow became unable to shoot us as we stood only feet away from them at a critical moment, giving us time to chat. You’ll agree that this is all retarded, at which point I’ll pick up my big club with the word “anger” etched into it and beat you over the head.

But no, why didn’t they just use the shard. Fuck you.

* Danny requested this piece be ten things. I said okay. Then I did five.