fwriction

Curtains open on a grassy field. In the night sky, the stars twinkle just enough to provide light onstage, and a cool breeze whispers through the auditorium.

“Danger Zone” plays in the background.

Something like an intro will happen. Probably some cool dude who looks like he bones a lot of hot chicks will walk on and say some really deep shit like, “The moon is always darkest in the night” while smoking a pipe. That’s ‘cause the movie takes place in 1937, and that’s the sort of thing classy heroes say. The man will be unnamed, because that is in no way stupid.

Then some stuff happens. I don’t know what, though. But there’s definitely an absurd amount of nudity. Just, all kinds of tits.

I think now there should be a scene with horses. And they will be live horses that have been shot up with tranquilizers so they don’t freak out when the pyrotechnics go off. There will be, like, thirty of them and not on any kind of harness, but it’s okay ‘cause they are really well trained.

The plot will progress.

You’ll learn that the Nazis are swiftly approaching (note to self: make sure World War II has started at this point. If not, brush over details.). In order to stop the Nazis, the good guys decide that the best course of action is to launch a full-out assault.

At this point, the alien attack scenes from Independence Day play on a large screen.

It’s totally awesome.

The final battle will take place above a shark tank with a few missing boards and real sharks (this will be for the cross-promotion of Jaws: In Space!). The main bad guy is Rick Moranis, and his whole plan is to take over the world because he’s an asshole.

In order to seal his victory, Rick Moranis’ No. 2 joins the fray. It is none other than Iago from the Shakespeare movie with Laurence Fishburne, and he is played by that douche George Clooney. The battle is fought with real swords and is crazy violent and filled with epic epicness. Everyone is gashed a lot—especially Clooney—and blood is gushing everywhere.

The action stops.

“Danger Zone” continues on a loop.

George Clooney turns to face the audience and deliver the speech I allowed him to write. It is about how he is doing so much more for the world than others. It boils down to being about business, he says. But his business is that of a writer, an artist—of inspiration. The rest of the world uses force, and focuses too much on the glamour of violence. They may use a gun, he says, but he uses a pen.

This is when I run out onto the stage and push him into the shark tank.

The sharks tear him apart, limb from limb.

I stand on the stage, smiling from ear to ear, jumping up and down with my arms extended in victory! I’ve done it! I’ve done it!

Then I put on Braveheart.

Yeah!

The End.

(Want to witness the terrifying origin story of Canadian Jay?! Check it out here, at Found Press. Blimey!)