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* Witness the terrifying, face-melting origins of Canadian Jay!

Episode I: “Danny Is A Goddamn Communist”

I didn’t realize that writing for this blog meant I’d have to succumb to the hammer and sickle of Danny’s overlording editing.

What did he think I was going to do without his editing? Rally the masses into a revolution? Actually, I’d be pretty awesome at that. I’d find me a sweet Rambo-style headband with “Bananas!” written across. Then, armed with only my charm and some brass knuckles I fashioned from the teeth that I ripped out of a bear’s mouth (still alive), I’d make my way across the land, bringing down any village that didn’t have Summer of ‘69 in the jukebox. I’d also bang all their hot wenches.

Eventually I’d run into some keener trying to stop me, and an epic six-hour final battle royale would ensue, ending with the dude hanging off the top of the building by one hand. I’d look at him, take a puff of my cigar, and stomp on his hand as I say something cool and classy like: “Quit Stalin.” Then, he would plunge to his death.

Plus, I used spell check, jerk.

* * *

Episode II: “Home Run To My Heart”

Nic Cage needs a baseball movie.

Bauer J. Fox is a single father of four, who gave up the sport he loved and took a job at the zoo in order to support his family. Then one day, while cleaning the monkey cages, a chimpanzee named Donna threw him a ball, and they had a game of catch. Filled with excitement, Bauer decides to try and be a walk-on for the Boston Red Sox, who want nothing to do with him because they are racists. (This movie takes place in 1912, and Nic will be playing a black man.)

His idiot best friend, Joe, will be played by George Clooney. Joe will die from being eaten by a shark. Or Gonorrhea.

So whatever, he goes somewhere else, like the Pittsburgh Pirates.

While there, he learns of a MASSIVE conspiracy to assassinate the President of the United States, so he quickly masters kung-fu and detectiving and sets out with the team, and as he travels throughout every city, he puts together the clues from each day’s box score to find out who is behind this dastardly plot.

He slowly discovers that the man behind this assassination is none other than…the-yet-to-be-born spirit of Hitler! Determined to stop him, Bauer challenges Hitler Spirit to a winner-takes-all game of Risk. This week-long game will take eight hours of screen time, and eventually Hitler Spirit loses when Bauer, in the irony of all ironies, takes France.

He then goes back to the Pirates and finds out he has been cut because he disappeared for a week. Business is business.

Bauer also left his kids alone to travel the country. So, I’m pretty sure they’re dead.

* * *

Episode III: “I Didn’t Eat a Cupcake Today!”

(Danny, after chatting with Canadian Jay on Adium, asked if his newest “rant” was ready for submission. This is what Danny received.)

Oh man, that took me way too long to find TextEdit.

I just had some delicious sangria and some mighty fine paella. WITH LOBSTER. What did you have for dinner? A sandwich? HAHA you are such a loser with your sandwich. I had goddamn lobster you dumb sonofabitch!

God, I want a hooker right now. They’d be pretty cheap right?

Go to hell Adam! I don’t care that you had a chicken salad sandwich! No one likes you and you can die and go to hell. The bad hell too! Not the good one where people get to eat popcorn and watch porno.

I want some porn right now.

I started trying to count the words in this ‘cause I don’t have word count. I stopped after about twelve ‘cause…I don’t know…that seems like something Danny can do. Shut up.

Hmmm, I wanna eat the paella in the fridge.

I shouldn’t drink anymore tonight.

I seriously want some porn.

OR A TWIX BAR!

Now I’m watching The Office. It’s the one where Ryan talks about how he just “goes for it” with string cheese. What a failure. Why can’t he just man up and string that bad boy?

What a douche.

The cats are glaring at me. They don’t seem impressed.

I’m bigger than them. They better recognize.

HOLY BALLS THERE’S A CANADIAN IN THE FRIDGE!

* * *

Episode IV: “Musings on the Sociopolitical Considerations of Equity and Efficiency as Perceived by the Electorate as They Pertain to Global Escalations, Which Affect the Financial Markets in Wealthy Nations, Set Against the Backdrop of Charles Dickens’s Images of Transformational Business Leaders”

Tits: I love ‘em.

* * *

Episode V: Ten Things* I Hate About You, World

Episode VI: The Greatest Opening Lines in Western Literature: An Addendum

Episode VII: Le Playe